Fading

I have an epiphany, that I am losing you all one by one.
Initially, I thought this will never happen. But it seems like I am out of strength to stop it from happening, I hope that it is not gonna happen, but it doesn't change the fact that I really am out of reach from each of you. I can't catch up to every single soul which are so far from me.



I finally understand. It is smothering me to think about the reality. Thus, I chose to keep it in a treasure chest and let you have the key. I will be hiding the box deep within my heart, as though it's like a candle hidden deep within the cave, keeping the glare to the minimum..only when the closer we are, the brighter the candle will be seen.
Until the day you stand right in front of me, you will have the pleasure of opening the treasure chest. Then, everything will feel just like yesterday though much time had passed.

Tonight, at least, allow me to take a glimpse into the chest.

-Ys-

Climb

I kept falling, tumbling, trembling, and see no end for my fall, there is no ground below for me to hit on or bounce back up, but that is already far more than enough.. it's time to stop falling down, CLIMB!!



I've lost once, and I am not gonna lose another time. I shall give all I have when the next opportunity approaches.








ok..
Here's something stupid,

-Just for your entertainment :p-

"The idea for which this nation stands will not survive if the highest goal free man can set themselves is an amiable mediocrity.
Excellence implies striving for the highest standards in every phase of life. "
John W.Gardner

I know you miss me,
-Ys-

Is lack of motivation

Exam's near.. really near. Unlike my other friends who are sitting for the exam tomorrow, I will be having it later - Because this Winter Holidays I will not be leaving Russia. Sad but oh well, it had been decided and at least I'll be visiting Moscow eh? =)


Given the extra time to prepare, I am just short of one thing to proceed on - Motivation. I am short of the Force to push me forward.. am I starting to feel weary or what? Having a study leave sure bites me hard. Instead of studying, I have been thinking...and thinking a lot. It started off with a huge momentum at first but looks like I have lost the momentum and the pace had slow down.


Seriously, how much I wished that my mum is here nagging on me for not studying but blogging here!!! lol..


So, what's wrong with me now??
1st, I am still looking for that motivation.
2nd, I kinda start to feel lonely already, I had so many things stuck in my head, absolutely disastrous.. I doubt I can find anyone to share with. After all, it's not the Shaun's style to babble about his nonsense thoughts to others right?? ;) It's not good poisoning others' mind.






Current state of mind:
A weary knight. Who fought with a strong heart and bravery to protect his honor, his people and to fulfill his duty.. He gave everything he had to fight on the battlefield. Now, he starts to feel weary with his heavy armor burdening him, and feels suffocating in his helmet, which he finds that it is difficult for him to breathe inside. His sword and shield also became heavy.
Taking deep breath, he kneeled down, his head facing straight towards the ground, his sword piercing through the soil, and shielded himself in front.. How much he hoped that he could get rid of all these weight. But, there is something in him that made him strong, which is that strong heart that beats weakly inside him. He knew that he can't give up at this time.

All he needs now is the morale that make him stand up once again and face any blow that come straight into his way.
(P/s:It has only been 4 months and I am saying all these, I know you wanna give me a tight slap now =P)

-Ys-

2010

At last, my very first post for Year 2010 after M.I.A. for such a long time..

The mood of blogging just comes into me suddenly. It is not really because I am too busy with my life here, but the lack of inspiration made me stop blogging lately. Haha... but never mind that because here I am again, to share with all of you some of the things happening to me lately.


I realized that I actually paused blogging about my life here for a long time already, so I figured out that it is best for me to blog out a little, at least.


Since it is New Year and I missed a lot of wacky stories to tell after pulling myself off blogging world for quite some time, I shall skip all other special events for now such as Christmas celebration, Birthday Bash, Study Life, Love Life, Clubbings, Shoppings, Eating Outs, my New Year Resolutions etc for now. Instead, I will be sharing out pictures of NEW YEAR!! =)

Yeap, brand new hope, brand new resolution and brand new mood!




31st December 2009 - The Last Day of 2009


Basically, I have no exact plan for this special day. Instead, I just follow where the wind brings me to.

So, I was asked to go for ice-skating at a stadium situated at Bolshaya Pokrovskaya, well-known to us as 'Walking-Street".

Di mana ada byk restaurant...but quite pricey too.

Indeed a long and beautiful place to hang out.. although the feeling of this street is like Petaling Street I used to hang out a lot when I was in VI, this Petaling Street more high-class la of course =P

At one end of the Street stood this tree with a banner
read "Happy New Year 2010!"





And next stop - into the stadium!!

These are the people I skated with =) fyi, this is the VERY FIRST time I skated in Russia!! lol

Not forgetting a couple of Night View of Walking Street

Before heading back, we went to had dinner to fill ourselves up.

I managed to reached back at 7pm sharp -12am Malaysia time- and spam all Malaysia contacts I can find in MSN xD



10.30pm - I went out with a bunch of parkers to catch the view of beautiful fireworks of the city.

Those good people are the seniors and just 5 1st year students...lol.. well, it's because most of them already had their own programme. But I bet most of them are partying in 1st HOSTEL -.-

we went deep to the edge of the park..

1st January 2010 - Brand New Year

1am

After that, back we go to our respective hostels..... lol..but my story actually haven't end yet. I ditched my goups off and went for clubbing at 1st Hostel all thanks to SAM =.="

Sorry guys, camera out of battery so no photos taken at that crazy party. Free beverages were served and those people sure dance like crazy..LOL... didn't knew medical students can be so 'party-ing out'. Well, when I just set foot into the dance floor, I already saw one of my friend drunk, had to carry her all the way into Yunci's room.

Funny gal, she actually said this when she was drunk: "Shaun, you are a very good guy,but you put your target too high already.." And then she starts connecting me to other girls!! xDD so cute lah this girl...lmao!! Then back to the dance floor, shake shake, then back to Aaron's room for movies!! Anyway, I fell asleep duhh..



In the morning, we celebrated New Year the Cina's way!! hahax.. A bunch of seniors and I cooked lunch together. Thanks Aaron, Yunci, Ivon, Soo Yin, and err..did I missed out anymore seniors =X and fellow 1st year mates for the great feastf or the new year!! And countless Yumseng sessions followed on =)


3pm - went out Jalan-jalan Cari Makan again with Aaron, Sam, Belle, Siew Kheng, Karen at a brand new place I never been to before in Nizhny Novgorod, the lower part of Nizhny.

We visited a beautiful Turkish Cake shop for tea session. Great place to hang out too, nice environment, delicious delicacies! What else? We cracked lame and silly jokes till almost 7pm before going back... phew..what a long day..


Later on, Sam sure keeps me busy by staying overnight in my room, sharing the same bed as me..my bed, is a small single bed and expect to fit in 2 big guys =.= Anyway, he is still a good company and it was a good stay =) except that ppl start suspecting us gays -.-





Yawn~~ I think that is all for my New Year 2010 with a bunch of new faces =) And I am surely blessed to have a good one this year!!

-Ys-

Forgotten Melody

I've had another dream just now while I was napping. This time, it's quite funny and weird. I was at a place, it was late evening, I remember the sun sets and the sky turns dark.
I was with someone which I barely remember who, perhaps only both of us, or a group, I cannot recall.. we were on a boat ride, somewhere cold (maybe cause my room was cold..lmao) The surrounding temperature made me felt as though I was on a highland. We set sail for a long time along the river.. Talked, laughed, I don't know what happened but I sensed joy...happiness throughout the entire ride. After that, the boat anchored to the side of the river, which is made up of a row of large shiny black rocks and pebbles. Suddenly, weirdly..my dad held me out of the boat. He lifted me out of the boat with both of his hands holding tight on my waist. Is he that strong or I was actually dreaming that I was a child at that point? He held his huge hand tightly to mine.. Then he brought me along with with him..and I just followed clueless. At that time, the sky was turning dark as the sun sets, stars were getting much more visible. He brought me to climb a pile of rocks which are arranged into beautiful, steep stairs. Without a single effort, nor tiredness, I climbed to the top with him...there, I saw one of the most astonishing view by the cliff. Right at that moment, I knew that place was indeed a highland.
He led me to a huge wooden door, just like those castle door in the fairy tales stuck to the hill's wall. My dad, he didn't spoke a word, nor did I spoke any words myself along the whole journey. He pushed the gigantic door wide open and dragged me in. The inner world hidden beside the wooden door is a beautiful, classy and enormous, grand ballroom. Another weird thing is that I saw my own mum, standing on the huge stage, with yellow light of the beautiful chandeliers shining above her. What I can recall is, that place is just like any other castle in fairytale stories you heard of.. My dad loosen up his grip and stood next to mum. I was shocked to see mum looking elegant in her evening gown and even had make up on her. Not even once I seen my mum dressing up or making up that way before in my entire life in reality..haha..and Yes, she sang!! The clueless me just stood under the stage listening to my mum singing on stage. Her voice was miraculously fantastic..Truthfully, it doesn't really sounded like my mum, but it was really sweet and relaxing. The melody and voice was something I never heard of. I was speechlessly stunned by her melodious voice. While I was trying to open up my ears and catch the melodies, I saw people started dancing..another funny thing is I saw some unknown aunties executing some weird and funny dance moves as well!! I had no clue who they are..lol
I continued to try catch the wonderful melodies cause it really caught my attention...unfortunately, the next thing I knew is I was awake at 6.30pm.


The whole point of this dream is the melody..the music I heard...is extremely soothing. I tried so hard recalling how it sounded but...I can't seem to remember how it started like..not to mention the lyrics..What is this whole dream all about? It's not about past..everything is fresh. What is it trying to tell? It all remains unknown...haha..we'll see..

-Ys-
I shall continue my search for that melody..
will I ever stumble upon the same tune one day in the future?
God knows =)

Buried

I MiSS my room. Finally got back into my room after being 'tortured' in another hostel last night. But I guessed I am the one torturing them after all, hopefully they don't get offended with my stubbornness. Still, thanks for the company. Nowhere's more comfortable than my own bed. Too comfortable. Till I can't help but always fall into another illutionized world called - dream. Yesterday's a special one.



And there I was.. a very strangely familiar place. Everything is black and white. Sometimes I kept wondering, is there color in dreamland? or it's just dull black and white.. The scenario is sad. I had an unusual sorrow feeling which cycles within me. I was back in my uniform..It seemed like it took place back so long time ago. Everyone looked so young..so cute and yet so naive. They smiled at me, and as I was about to just smile and greet them, the time went forward so fast, I can only see familiar images being fast-forwarded.. Like watching videos in fast-forward mode.

Those were my fragments of memories. Flashing briefly upon me, all I can do is just watch. Those nostalgic moments..a mixture of feelings - fun, joy, sorrow, touched, angry, excited, you name it as I can't really make up what I feel back then.

Soon, it all came to a pause. Again, this similar scene. I was standing under this tree like a stoned-man, like a man who had no idea what he is doing. I recognized my mark on that tree. It's a cloudy day, same like that exact day before. The greenery looks unchanged. I saw those happy children playing see-saw and swings again. I can still hear their laughter. Everything looks so familiar. I looked down, I saw that box again. An undelivered gift.


I once again feel the sorrow. Wondering, why is it being unearthed ?? It is yet another fragment of past which I wish to hide from everyone else and forget about it. I used both of my hands, place that box into the hole which is already there in the ground, and cover the hole up. Tapping softly onto the ground, hoping to remove all traces showing that there is something being buried at this spot.

The sadness is so strong, I burst up in tears again. I made no voice, but the tears just kept flowing unwillingly. Tears are words the heart can't express. I cried silently. Laid my back on that tree and sat under the shade, but sniffing with tears. In my dreams too, i had flashbacks. I closed my eyes and think back. I did so many things in silence. No one knew. I acted like I did not care when I actually cared so much, felt so stupid about it. I don't really know how to express myself, to others. Time went back-forward, I saw the scenes of all the first times, how happy those times were, and how bitter is it now. And then, I will feel how useless I am, how weak and incapable. No wonder I don't deserve that box of memories. Thus, I buried it and thought that I can get over it. I want to forget all those things.



It is just something I tried to hide and forget. But sometimes, those things will just pop out in my mind from nowhere. So, it proves that things you tried hard to forget, will actually haunt you back more often.


You will gain something when you lose one thing. I wouldn't be where I am today, what I am today if I never tried to lose that one thing. I know people around me kept saying, Shaun is always being secretive, for instance, those fellas sure reminded me about this yesterday. Yes I am. It's in my nature. I feel more secure keeping it only to myself, I don't share my sorrow. If I really do, that person is really lucky or special. That may be my weakness but it was already there, my birth is already a mistake if I spend my whole life to correct. So, sorry if I wasn't able to open up or feeling that I am hiding something. From my point of view, I feel that it is needless to dig up the past. Let's just let it be there, like that box being buried from everyone's sight. Whether it is good or bad, glorious moment or rotten moment, let it be aside. I care more about the future. Don't bother how I was like before, but now.


I am optimistic about things. I may look like I hate, don't bother but sometimes I feel otherwise. It came over naturally, not under purpose. I may hate you now but at most occasions tomorrow I don't. I can get along and get over things easily. I can really forgive and forget, inside. If I REALLY hate you, don't expect me to smile at you and treat you like nicely cause you are blacklisted, but seriously - there are not even 10 ppl who fell into this category. Am I living with a mask on? You ask this question back to yourself - that's my answer.




I described this dream out,
Because no one can actually remember what they dreamt of after waking up,

This one is a special one,
Because it's still playing in my mind right now...

Undeniably, that dream is fading the moment I am trying to recall,
so I decided to put them down into words before I forget them all.

-Ys-

It's just a dream,
but it's also flashback of sad memoirs

Snow Melts

It's going to be a one week break as Flu Epidemic found its way up to Russia. I
n short, QUARANTINED!!

It sure brings back similar memories back in INTEC when we got our very last minute notice about the sudden 'holiday' news...miss the life back in INTEC although it's just short 3 months period of time. Many funny things happened in that 3 months time, unforgettable ones. Wonder how the other courses' students are doing?? Especially the Korean students. lol


Now I suppose it's the time to rest up after all the daily hectic. I kinda get used with this kind of life already. It's different from before. During the past 6 months, I have no goals, no aim, no target to head to. Instead, I was just fooling my time off with numerous parties and outings. I guess that half a year time was my longest holiday in my life!! Currently, at least, I got tons of books piled up before me and exams 'zachuts' coming one after another. Time flies incredibly fast when you keep yourself busy - that's very true. I've been here 2 months already...ohmygawsh...couldn't believe it. For a moment I felt like I set foot on this land just one week ago..

------------------------------------------------

I finally went online once again after appearing offline for so long. As expected, I spent my whole evening chatting with my dear friends and family which I missed so much!! Another theory proven - when you are too free, you tend to think through a lot of things in your mind, and you will start missing every moments before. Man, I sure start to miss all of you in Malaysia after chatting with you all yesterday!!


Grabbing that opportunity, we spoken through so many topics. From what's going on in Malaysia, Namewee's latest controversy with TNB, to every single scandals going on among my friends. One friend of mine who rang the bell of my past spoke to me about 'decision on what course to take'.. and I told her exactly what happened to me. How I cracked my head thinking about my future, my interest, my dreams.. taking into accounts on the cost, the future job oppurtunities and all...I sure understand that those are the most difficult decision to make in everyone's entire 18 years =]

Sooner or later things just fell into place eventually and I just proceed on. We spoken about sacrifices and stuffs like that..well, is there any good things out there which doesn't need sacrifices?? No one had any idea how much I had sacrificed and there is no point letting anyone know about it..I just think back about it from time to time =)


Speaking about scandals, I even had a shock of my life when I heard about scandal of one member of the animal gang from 'dungku'..lol.. I can't help but kept my mouth and eyes wide open when I heard about it, plus I can't stop laughing xD
Some dude who kept asking me about how to court girl long time ago really managed to get a gf now. Looks like I am the last to know again this time. Dungku even agreed with me, love is B-L-I-N-D!!! Haha.. Seriously, I really really should wonder myself why I still haven't got a girlfriend?? lolx.. Am I being too choosy? Not good enough? Because of my parents?(mum, I know you are reading this..your son isn't desperate k..I know you don't want me to get into any relationship yet) or just fated to be a bachelor after all?? Too much free time made me wonder about unnecessary thoughts. In conclusion, I still don't even know why. Perhaps, not good enough after all, kena bertaubat sikit xD


But there is one thing which I personally agreed on all the while,
"Doesn’t matter how long the love lasts. You’ll be contented once you know you were in love before."


After all the conversations, I bet I start to miss you guys once again although I admit that I made the least effort to get to every single one of you in these 2 months. I really can't find a suitable time to get to you...although I really wanted to. 'Sorry' seems to be not enough to clear my guilt. I hope you all understand.. I do miss every single one of you. Please understand that guys are not so good in expressing their feelings =P

-------------------------------------------

Snow started to melt here. The scenery is like moving back to Autumn. How much I wished that time can also move back to secondary school period. Though I have been here for 2 months already, I still admire the scenery here very much..it's just beautiful. No, winter haven't end. This week is just a warmer week, that's why the snow is melting. Soon there will be snow again.

Wow...what a long essay I had just wrote again. I guess that's all for now. I gonna complete all my hometasks and continue resting my days through (surely don't get this kind of opportunity often-to sleep) Later, prepare for ligaments exam and catch up on all chemistry lecture topics.


Here's a couple of pictures which takes 15 minutes to upload....suffering slow connection here, that's the reason I seldom upload pictures in blog nowadays.

-Us-


Posing with my first ever Snowman!!
-No critics pls..I know it's ugly- haha..

One of the many pix in 'Opera House'

Lastly, mad guy laughing =P

-Ys-
~I survived Russia for 2months and still counting~

Sorry Sorry

3.35am- Russia Time


Suddenly feel like updating my DEAD blog.. I don't know why!!!!?? seriously..especially in the middle of the night like this..3am!!!

I have sweat all over my body while writing this blog.. Guess what I just did?? I was busy learning Sorry Sorry dance moves from Suju via YOUTUBE!!!! Guess what I am going to do next?? I have to 'teach' those performers the dance moves later..bak kata pepatah "bagai AYAM mengajar ITIK berenang!!!" Ape nak buat, all tak tau how to dance... LOL....I can't believe it XD I was dancing in front of the laptop in my room while my roommate is busy 'sleeping' Hahahahaha!!!

Today is a public holiday for Nizhny Novgorod, so no class today. But tomorrow, there will be Biology practical class at 8.30am.. I have to wake at 7am...and yet, I still haven't prepare for practical but dance till 3.. I am really laughing hard thinking of what I just did xD


THANK YOU MSA for putting me in-charge on ALL CHINESE PERFORMANCES.. you guys really gave me a hard time choreographing moves and handling the 'chineses' -.- If I wasn't in charge, perhaps I will be sleeping soundly right now with somebody else taking up my job.. Right now, I start to feel like a MCA Taiko here but I don't wanna be taiko laaaaaa.. let me be mini askar plssssssss T.T Anyone wanna take over MCA pls come forward...this Tan Sri here mau retire!!! =P

Maybe you guys will think what SORRY SORRY have to do with Chinese performance.

1. It's all because SENIORS IN NIZHNY LOVE KOREAN ARTISTES!! (beats me...I have no idea why....) Their top favourite will be SNSD. Even guys know how to dance GEE GEE..imagine that.. -.- Too bad Seniors already chose to perform Gee Gee..so we have to dance sorry sorry.
2. Initially planned to perform Martial Arts 'Kung Fu' Dance. But 4 minutes is too lengthy and DIFFICULT for a bunch of newbies who don't know Kung Fu!! So, we will dance 2 minutes Kung Fu and then combine with a part of Sorry Sorry....I thought that Sorry Sorry will be easy, but it turns out that-to dance EXACTLY like them is FRIGGIN' DIFFICULT!! Somebody pls HELP!!! x.x (starts to feel that sorry sorry is a wrong choice..lol)

Ok la... 4am dy.. No time to prepare for practical now. Jom Tidor laaa!!! Ishhh....I shouldn't slept so much in the afternoon....Then I wouldn't be so energetic to dance in the middle of the night!!!

SORRY SORRY pls don't haunt me in my dreams..I don't wanna dance in my dream as well. Thank you.

~I just want a simple & peaceful life here =)~
-Ys-