Fragment of Memories: Buried

I MiSS my room. Finally got back into my room after being 'tortured' in another hostel last night. But I guessed I am the one torturing them after all, hopefully they don't get offended with my stubbornness. Still, thanks for the company. Nowhere's more comfortable than my own bed. Too comfortable. Till I can't help but always fall into another illutionized world called - dream. Yesterday's a special one.

And there I was.. a very strangely familiar place. Everything is black and white. Sometimes I kept wondering, is there color in dreamland? or it's just dull black and white.. The scenario is sad. I had an unusual sorrow feeling which cycles within me. I was back in my uniform..It seemed like it took place back so long time ago. Everyone looked so young..so cute and yet so naive. They smiled at me, and as I was about to just smile and greet them, the time went forward so fast, I can only see familiar images being fast-forwarded.. Like watching videos in fast-forward mode.

Those were my fragments of memories. Flashing briefly upon me, all I can do is just watch. Those nostalgic moments..a mixture of feelings - fun, joy, sorrow, touched, angry, excited, you name it as I can't really make up what I feel back then.

Soon, it all came to a pause. Again, this similar scene. I was standing under this tree like a stoned-man, like a man who had no idea what he is doing. I recognized my mark on that tree. It's a cloudy day, same like that exact day before. The greenery looks unchanged. I saw those happy children playing see-saw and swings again. I can still hear their laughter. Everything looks so familiar. I looked down, I saw that box again. An undelivered gift.

I once again feel the sorrow. Wondering, why is it being unearthed ?? It is yet another fragment of past which I wish to hide from everyone else and forget about it. I used both of my hands, place that box into the hole which is already there in the ground, and cover the hole up. Tapping softly onto the ground, hoping to remove all traces showing that there is something being buried at this spot.

The sadness is so strong, I burst up in tears again. I made no voice, but the tears just kept flowing unwillingly. Tears are words the heart can't express. I cried silently. Laid my back on that tree and sat under the shade, but sniffing with tears. In my dreams too, i had flashbacks. I closed my eyes and think back. I did so many things in silence. No one knew. I acted like I did not care when I actually cared so much, felt so stupid about it. I don't really know how to express myself, to others. Time went back-forward, I saw the scenes of all the first times, how happy those times were, and how bitter is it now. And then, I will feel how useless I am, how weak and incapable. No wonder I don't deserve that box of memories. Thus, I buried it and thought that I can get over it. I want to forget all those things.

It is just something I tried to hide and forget. But sometimes, those things will just pop out in my mind from nowhere. So, it proves that things you tried hard to forget, will actually haunt you back more often.

You will gain something when you lose one thing. I wouldn't be where I am today, what I am today if I never tried to lose that one thing. I know people around me kept saying, Shaun is always being secretive, for instance, those fellas sure reminded me about this yesterday. Yes I am. It's in my nature. I feel more secure keeping it only to myself, I don't share my sorrow. If I really do, that person is really lucky or special. That may be my weakness but it was already there, my birth is already a mistake if I spend my whole life to correct. So, sorry if I wasn't able to open up or feeling that I am hiding something. From my point of view, I feel that it is needless to dig up the past. Let's just let it be there, like that box being buried from everyone's sight. Whether it is good or bad, glorious moment or rotten moment, let it be aside. I care more about the future. Don't bother how I was like before, but now.

I am optimistic about things. I may look like I hate, don't bother but sometimes I feel otherwise. It came over naturally, not under purpose. I may hate you now but at most occasions tomorrow I don't. I can get along and get over things easily. I can really forgive and forget, inside. If I REALLY hate you, don't expect me to smile at you and treat you like nicely cause you are blacklisted, but seriously - there are not even 10 ppl who fell into this category. Am I living with a mask on? You ask this question back to yourself - that's my answer.