Letting the past be the past, as things will never change. Those were the dead ends which open up new paths to where I am now. I have come this far, with pure perseverance and determination, I will hold on tight so things will never go out of control like how it did so often during the past. Bad endings we did in the past seem to not change no matter how hard we try to rewind the clock, but it is possible to write a new story with a better ending, starting from now.
Moments, joy or tears, I shall learn to appreciate all of them.. to think about it, in the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away, just like someone told me before. I just feel blessed when I flashback all those moments which took my breath away. That is the reason why humans are gifted with emotions.
Appreciation of moments, gratification upon reaching goals, step by step, being grateful to those who lend a helping hand, is what I am trying to learn. Though, as pathetic as it sounds, I lack every of it still although I already knew the theory. The true fact is, it is always easier to be said than done. I seem to be someone who can criticize every single person I know about their mistakes, but how come it is so difficult to realize my own?
At current state of inside desperation to seek the answers for questions, I wondered myself,
Why is it so difficult to accept others' affection? Why is it so difficult to be 'loved'? Why when someone who shows a lot of affection shows up, I tend to push him or her far far away? Beats me, I don't even know why.. is there something that happened long ago which I don't even know made me anti-affection? People who try to be closer to me always ending being hurt. I always feel that I am not ready to open up. Instead, I lived my own world.
Yes, true enough. Like what everyone knew about Yu Shaun, I have many friends from all walks of life, but considering them as true friends as I knew they always are, I still have that solitary feeling within me. What bothers me the most is I feel uneasy when somebody treats me too well. Moreover, I feel even more uneasy when a girl does that. Is it because, I have a feeling of not deserving to be treated in such way? or am I just love being alone? I have a guilt, I feel bad for treating those people who cared too much for me - badly, especially the girls.. I don't know why but I deeply, I'm sorry, I don't deserve those affections yet. Haha..why am I saying all these?? A very random confession indeed...but, yeah.
Those are the principles I am trying to hold on currently, eventhough I know that I failed to fulfill most of it. What I'll do is just improve bits by bits, no matter how long it will take.
Life in Russia has been taxing me a lot recently, tests and hometasks piling up like mountains that can never get any lesser. But, per aspera ad astra - no pain no gain!! All these will just be a stepping stone for me to see a bigger picture later on.
I have been wanting to reply all those pending messages my friends sent, but all I need is time, to think and reply with a positive mood. Even that, had been delayed for months and now I guess I will have a hard time replying all.. Haha, but I'll try my best =) nothing beats the spirit of 'believing'.
-Ys-
Inside me,
angel says: it's time to learn how to accept affection, time to 'love'.
devil says: Being alone is still the best way, I lived my very own world.
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